In 2022, I was honored to be invited to speak at The Virtues Project Global Mentorship. My talk was based on the third strategy, ‘Setting Clear Boundaries’. Here is the transcript of the talk.

‘Fences of Safety’

Presentation for the TVP Global Mentorship, 2022 by Richard Sidharta

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Today, many households have something that we call mini-democracies. We value a child’s voice or opinion so much that it is equal to that of their parents. In some cases, their voices and opinions are even louder. And sometimes adults sacrifice their own needs to make their child happy.

I have spoken to many parents over the course of the last couple of years who have really felt for their children due to the pandemic. They feel for them because of lost time, both in school and life experiences. Sometimes our children tend to make our emotions sway a little bit – but, there is a fine line.

Although it is important that emotions are heard and understood, an adult still needs to be in charge to create a safe environment. Parents especially, when setting boundaries within our households, can create an environment where children can be heard but also develop the virtues that are necessary for their growth and development.

Humans are amazing creatures. We have the ability to imagine, create and innovate to make lives better. However, despite our progress, we still see so much suffering, greed, arrogance and self-centredness. All battles fought in the world today, from the playground, the household, our workplaces, our countries, are all due to the self-centered nature of man.

Now, what has this got to do with setting boundaries?

Well, if history has shown us something, it is that man will continue to develop, but will do so at the expense of someone or something else. It is like a double-edged sword. So unless we lay down some markers, physical markers, societal and cultural markers – there is no limit as to how far man will go to not only make himself but break himself as well.

Guidelines

I wanted to take this opportunity to speak about these markers or boundaries using the analogy of road safety, so please bear with me as I make these connections between the lives I have lived in different parts of the world.

This is an example of road and traffic conditions in more developed nations. You can see no matter how many cars there are, there is a certain level of orderliness which allows drivers to feel safe. This, on the other hand, is an example of road conditions in some other parts of the world. You can see that things are a little bit more chaotic, and with it, comes levels of stress and anxiety.

Imagine the ‘terms and conditions’ section of a service that we are about to sign up for. Most, if not all of us, click on ‘I Agree’, when we truly do not know the details of what we are agreeing to. Compare this with the 4-5 rules or expectations that exist when we join a simple online forum. This is much more easier to digest.

So back to road rules, I am sure a majority of them are pretty consistent wherever we go. The lights mean the same thing, the STOP sign means the same thing – however, once the road rules are set, the reality can’t be more different. So unless we provide rules that are simple, specific and with clarity –  and we model them consistently, everyone from the parent to the child, or the traffic police to the driver – only then can we expect that boundaries work, with safety and security in mind.

Now, imagine if I say to you right now, ‘don’t think of a pink elephant’, – what did our minds just do? I remember when I was in primary school, there was a certain area of the school that was forbidden. It involved steps going up to a roof and everyone said ‘don’t go there, there is a ghost.’ And yet, what did all of us do during lunch time, we sneaked up to that very area and ran back everytime we heard a sound. The ‘thrill’ of doing something that we are not supposed to is what dragged us there. Imagine of our partner while leaving the house, said to us, ‘do not open the drawer.’ Once they leave, there is a monkey in our mind, jumping up and down and wondering, ‘what is in that drawer’, and why can’t I open it?

Being positive when setting boundaries encourages us to change our language from don’t hit, don’t run, don’t do … to identifying what we expect from our children. Be peaceful, Be kind, Be courteous – and this is very similar to rules on the road.

The traffic light indicates when you should Stop, Go Slow and Go. It’s not: Don’t Go, Don’t Go Fast, and Don’t Stop. It’s simply Stop, Go Slow and Go. It is the expected behaviour that we need to emphasise on.

And what happens when you can’t see the instructions? This is why we must also communicate rules clearly. When you are on the road, you expect to see the signs that are consistent with what we have be trained for. However, if a sign is covered by overgrowth making it unclear, then too, safety is at stake.

Boundaries are designed to create safe-zones, so if we flex the boundaries in the name of love, and we do this at the expense of assertiveness, orderliness, trust, honesty, integrity, peacefulness, justice – the outcome of this very version of ‘love’ may soon start seeing diminishing returns.

Sacrificing an exercise routine, healthy nutrition, moderation of time for television or gaming, self-discipline when it comes to doing work – it may give us some joy or earn us some brownie points to start off with, but if we start compromising on these things, then the new stage we create for ourselves or our families will be built on very shaky foundations.

So in our relationships with our children, our partners, our peers – it is always good to look at the specific boundaries we agree to – to reduce the finger pointing and to live a harmonious and peaceful life.

Consequences

Now what happens when a boundary is broken? Do we let it go? Do we consider the rationale? Do we make them non-negotiable?

Well, let me put it this way. If I have, through error or ignorance, consumed something that was bad for me, something poisonous, something expired – I will still suffer the consequences of it. I will require emergency medical attention, I will have to pay the price.

The air we breathe, the water we drink – the atoms and molecules that make up this creation, the planets orbiting around the sun – everything has certain rules at play. And the moment we knock something off its natural path, and we know this with nature, then there are consequences. Coding has rules, building and manufacturing have rules, the chemistry, biology and physics of the creation has rules.

If a person comes and plucks a flower from our garden, then we will be upset, but can be tolerant of the action and allow the person to get away with a warning. If someone comes and takes our pet, then our reaction will be far greater, and the consequences of the law will be greater too. If someone comes and harms us or our family member, then automatically, they will be paying the highest price. So from a flower, to an pet and to a human being – the consequences change as the ‘value’ if you like, given to each is different.

So, if someone plucks a flower, and they are given a life sentence – there is a mismatch. The consequences should always be justified and designed to be educative, so that one may reflect on what has happened, and what they need so it can be avoided the next time.

So what happens when you break a rule? Well, even if you are rushing for an urgent meeting and you run a light, you pay the consequences. We may not like it, but these rules create safety for everyone around us, including ourselves.

Everyone in this world says they want to be free. Everyone in this world says they want to be liberated. Even in our own families, we have disagreements. Children brought up in the same household, in the same culture, with the same values still have disagreements. If one family cannot think alike, what makes us think that the world can be relied upon to have freedom of choice? Can you imagine a world where everyone gets to do what they want, and when they want it. There will be chaos in this creation.

Boundaries and consequences are the natural order of things. It teaches us to live within limits and to be liberated within them. All the major scriptures of the world say that, God is within us. That the Lord sees the power of Himself inside each and every human being indicates that at a deep, spiritual level, the capacities that one has the potential to reach can be done within the confines of our own bodies. It is within that we find freedom.

It is when we play by the rules, that we find freedom. It is when the fence is erected, that students feel free to explore every single inch of that playground. Children will make mistakes, they will experiment, but if we do not bring these errors to their attention and make them understand and go through the consequences of their actions, we will be creating a society that isn’t free, but in fact insecure.

As Fred Gosman rightly said, that ‘a child with no limits is a child who will grow to hate freedom.’

Fly, Fly and Fly

The Wright Brothers were not trained as engineers – but within their humble backgrounds, their parents taught them to be curious, creative, to take initiative and to have courage, without thinking about what you may get in return.

As the Wrights were designing and testing their flying machine, Samuel Langley, a university professor funded by a grant from the US War department spent about USD 70,000, which is 2 million in todays money. On its maiden flight, Langley’s ‘aerodrome’ plunged into the Potomac River while attempting to take off. The Wright Flyer cost less than USD 1000 (which is $28,000 in todays money), with the first prototype flying 852 feet, and with modifications, it flew in excess of 40 miles.

As they say, ‘scarcity is the mother of all invention.’ It is boundaries that encourage creativity and innovation. Boundaries that create safe zones for people to take initiative. Boundaries that allow us to thrive. Not too bad for two working class dreamers with no engineering qualifications, internet access, expensive laboratories or libraries.

What happens when a balloon goes up into the sky..? It starts to feel good and liberated. But the higher it goes, the thinner the air is, and the helium also starts stretching the balloon out from the inside.

Without the right foundations, as we rise higher, and the demands grow on our lives, the air does feel a little thinner. Anxiety and stress increases as we lose our life balance, as some virtues dominate more than others. When we take risks, we’re so determined not to give up, persevere, but at the same time, we are not mindful, or lack the self-discipline and responsibility to know that there is a right place and time for things in our lives, and like that balloon, we stretch ourselves from the inside.

And then, as it so happens, the balloon will pop and fall back down. It did not realise what made it beautiful and relevant was the air that filled it up and gave it life, and the boundaries within which it was permitted to float.

Similarly, what gives our children life? The parents, teachers and caregivers, and the boundaries created by them, within which our children are encouraged to fly. Within it, we can laugh, we can cry, we can create, we can fail, we can feel disappointment, we can feel happiness – we can understand that within our boundaries, within these rules, we will find freedom.